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Ode to Pork-bun
包子颂

26 January 2014
 

By the end of 2013, Chinese President Xi Jinping staged a pork-bun eating drama at a Beijing snack shop as a desperate measure to shore up his popularity that plumbed to the bottom after his men delivered a life sentence to Bo Xilai.

It seems Xi Jinping has not been a performing artist's husband for nothing. The superb show helped him gain much needed public approval, for a short while, which gave him confidence to secure all power into his own hand, from politics, economy, military to law enforcement.

After his brother-in-law's link to an offshore cash heaven exposed, his spin doctors tried to save the game by repeating the trick. They aired a new episode of the bun series, with leading characters played by two 60-year old men who worked for seven days and created a song eulogizing Xi Jinping's earlier pork-bun eating performance. (Gosh, with that amount of time somebody could actually create an entire universe!)

Official music video: Meat-bun Store

You can also view a version published by China's top government mouthpiece - Chinese Central Television News Program (CCTV 新闻联播) by click on this link. CCTV News labeled this song as "patriotic devine music (爱国神曲)"

万岁爷玩税玩税玩玩税,老奴无耻氏惯颂今上者、老奴胡诌氏以贱当荣者,听闻今上能自己吃包子,自己咬自己嚼自己下咽自己饱,此乃千古未有之壮举、万世不遇之盛事,心情很激动,天朝何幸,竟出了这样一位雄才帝王,故特花了整整七天时间,写出这朴实无华,满含真情,且充满正能量的赞美歌,由擅长挤眉弄眼搔首弄姿的扯谈氏芳草木皆兵演唱.请圣上过耳:

(伴唱)包子铺.....包子铺.....包子铺来了大肉包。
(独唱)话说包子元年前某一天,
我逃税避到了维京岛。
忽然一时腹中饥,
我匆匆赶去买肉包。
排着队身后来了人一个,
你看他,身材肥大细眼眯缝紫气腾腾金雾滔滔。
哎!怎么看着那么眼熟?
难道我来得这么巧?

服务员满脸巴结迎上前,
“您请坐,想吃啥奴才给您送桌前。”
他懒懒一笑,又翻了翻眼,
点了一份套餐,还学会了自个儿买单。
有猪肉大包,还有胡椒芥末姜葱蒜。
他双手端着盘,他走向我这边。
(伴唱)他坐哪了?
(独唱)哎哟喂!亲们,亲们!乖乖龙底东,猪肉拌大葱!
果然我来得那么巧,正好就坐在了我身边!

我叫声亲亲爱爱的习大大,
把“御用肉包”着着实实一顿夸,
您万岁爷微服私访来小岛,
和俺们逃税洗钱的亲如一家。
从此精英们窃钱不算偷,
再不用躲躲藏藏担惊受怕。

他吃得虎咽狼吞,还一声声叫我美人,
我赶忙掏出手机,要和他留个合影。

我赶忙织围脖儿,我赶快发图片,
图片一发出,俺就傻了眼:
怎么发到了ICIJ
怎么皇帝变成了皇姐?
看来一家人的好梦要破灭,
看来偷来的钱财不保险。

她懒懒一笑,又白了白眼,
她还是坐在我身边。
“哼,他敢不保他的舅爷?他敢不认他的御姐?
也不思量思量怎么当上的皇帝,
也不回忆回忆私底下的所行所言
本来就是一家人,想不牵连也牵连。

“什么贪污,什么行贿,什么洗钱,什么逃税,
这都是刁民的借口,变着法要追究资本的原罪。
打天下、坐江山、享富贵,
此乃天经地义的既定之规。
这天下虽非我习家打下,
却不妨效一个曹阿瞒改汉称魏。
只要赶走他们的人,屏蔽他们的网,
怕什么60国的记者联合作对。
看你像惊弓之鸟没一点担待,
做江洋大盗就要做得理直气壮别整天这么鬼鬼祟祟。”

御姐的话让我又惊又喜又惭愧,
钦佩习家既有贼心又有贼胆难怪能爬上高位。
“您的良言深深温暖小贼的心扉,
怕只怕有人吃里扒外、暗中捣鬼。”

“你不见皇上圣明,昨天已正式统领国安委?
从此他不准查探谁就不能查探谁,
他想要暴露谁就能够彻底暴露谁,
全中国的事都凭他一言九鼎,
全中国的人都靠他施舍恩惠。
谁长了九个脑袋,敢和他的家人作对?!”

包子铺巧遇习御姐,
恰似寒冬里来到火炉边,
喝了热乎乎一大碗炒肝尖,
温暖了大天朝所有洗钱逃税者的贼心田。

 
 
RELATED:

One-week countdown to Chinese New Year of Wood & Fire

--22,000 Giant Thieves Dominate the Great China. #3: China's top power broker Deng Xiaoping family; #2: President Xi Jinping's sibling; #1: former premier Wen Jiabao's offspring... click on the link to view more identities of the cash heaven VIP residents from China.

习近平姊夫邓家贵、姊姊齐桥桥在香港拥亿元豪宅,在维京群岛设公司,在深圳获政府20亿美元补贴.

While Chinese President Xi Jinping's sister owns properties in Hong Kong worth hundreds of millions of yuans and set up companies at cash heaven BVI, she also received $2 billion government allowance in Shenzhen in Guangdong Province that was under the rule of Wang Yang, who has now been promoted to a vice premier's position after Xi Jinping became the top leader and has been Xi's most trusted diplomatic envoy.


Time to Learn Chinese:

肉包子打狗,一去不回头
(To hit a dog with a meat-bun, dog will return but not your bun)

Example sentence 1:

皇帝:我已经用肉包子打狗了,怎么狗还跟着?
智囊:用错包子了,北京的庆丰包子不管用的,得用天津的狗不理包子.

Emperor: I've already hit the dog with a meat-bun, why the dog still follows me around?
Spin Doctor: You hit the dog with a wrong kind of meat-bun - Beijing bun is useless, you must hit the dog with a brand Gobelieve Bun made in Tianjin, former premier Wen Jiabao's hometown.

Example sentence 2:

自己长个包子样就别怨狗老跟着!

If you look like a meat-bun, don’t complaint about being followed by dogs.


干柴烈火甲午年:

干柴烈火蒸包子,包子元年倒计时 - 7,6,5,4,3,2, 1--

忆往昔,东有强盗西有贼,倭寇犯我海疆气太横;
看今朝,东有强盗西有贼,倭寇犯我海疆气太横。

忆往昔,有水师提督名姓丁,恨官商勾结军工产品豆腐渣水平;
看今朝,有水师提督名姓丁,恨官商勾结军工产品豆腐渣水平。

忆往昔,有铁路总管名姓盛,武进人,卖了铁路卖祖宗;
看今朝,有铁路总管名姓盛,武进人,卖了铁路卖祖宗。

忆往昔,有朝内中堂名姓李,安徽人,卑躬屈膝丧权辱国惟洋人是命;
看今朝,有朝内中堂名姓李,安徽人,卑躬屈膝丧权辱国惟洋人是命。

忆往昔,有傀儡皇帝一无主见、二无立场、三无能力、惟望在荒淫卖国的太后八旗部落和爱国变法的忠臣义士之间两面光;
看今朝,有傀儡皇帝一无主见、二无立场、三无能力、惟望在贪腐卖国的太子太监集团和护国护宪的忠臣义士之间两边平.


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