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When a Chinese servant meets his English master

17 March 2013

Li: Hello, long time no see! I'm so very glad to see you, my heart flower angrily open.

Hello master, I'm ready to serve you

Cameron: How do you do? Are you coming to see me?

Li: Actually, I come to talk to someone in a deformed man toilet, qin.

Cameron: Are you sure?

Li: I'm so very sure, because the toilet floor is crafty and fall down carefully.

Cameron: So you're sure he's in my office toilet?

Li: I'm too sure le. When old man's child go up hand ladder temporarily need the family to accompany.

Cameron: Good lord, from where did you learn this hilarious English?

Li: From my home. I speak English with my old po and female son all the time. We no speak Chinese.

Li's old po and female son: How do you do, sir!

Cameron: Oh, how do you do, ladies. But, are you really, I mean, when you speak to each other?

Li: We are really.

Li's old po: Not just at home, sir. He once told Chinese government officials when he was Henan Governor: don't let me ever hear you peak Chinese in Chinese government office or you'll be fired.

Cameron: Sorry, I don't quite follow.

Li: Bu huan yuyan jiu huan ren.

Cameron: I beg your pardon.

Li's female son: He said if a Chinese official speaks Chinese, he shouldn't work in Chinese government; If Chinese people speak no English, they shouldn't live in China. Because China only belongs to those who speak English.

Cameron: Aha, now I've got. My ancestors told you people about this long time ago in the Opium War. But they refused to listen. Now, will they listen to you guys this time?

Li: I not know, try try see.

* * * * *

China's state media, now largely controlled by the Wall Street, yesterday promoted Li Keqiang as a capable premier for being able to speak no Chinese but English only at home with his wife and daughter. It also claims that the people in Liaoning Province, where Li worked, once all loved to say "if you want to improve your living condition now, go find Li Keqiang."

However the residents in Shengyang strongly disputed the claim and insisted that it was never the case.

Here is one of the typical online responses:

边去:作为沈阳人,真心没听过“要住房,找克强”这句话。沈阳人没这低的下限。(As a Shengyang native, I have to say that I never heard anyone ever said anything remotely close to that expression. We people in Shengyang wouldn't get that low.)

And here are some responses on Li Keqiang's English-speaking only family:

sin_梁微博达人:最烦一些人中文都说不顺,硬要夹杂几句狗屁不通的英文。(It's rather annoying to see some guys who can hardly speak their own native language property yet love to spice their broken Chinese with a few English words to make the whole sentence read like a ragged clothing full of lousy patches.)

湖湘子弟兵6: 要不找个美国人来当总理,英文比李克强同志的安徽英语标准多了。(How about we get a proper American to be our premier, surely his English will be much authentic than Li Keqiang's Chinglish twisted by his Anhui tongue.)

李北方: 跟老婆孩子拿英语说话,是很2b的. (I can't think anything that is more pathetic than a native Chinese man in China speaking English with his wife and daughter all the time.)

神庆:悲剧在于,一个2b居然能当总管. (The tragedy is this pathetic idiot has become the head of Chinese government.)

保持一致党中央:怪不得去香港秀英语,装B装惯了。(No wonder he would travel to Hong Kong to make a English speech to Chinese there -- he's just a compulsive exhibitionist.)

蓝眼睛妖精:这是中国总理吗? (Is he really Chinese premier?) [Of course not, otherwise with his ability he would never get a chance to be even a vice premier. - Multipletext]

柳殷2:更大一个洋奴上台,没什么好事,难怪敢立刻抢。(We have an even bigger foreign collaborator heading the government than the previous one. It's not going to be a good thing. Now I know why he dares to destroy China's railway and farmland right away. [Li Keqiang's name has the same pronunciation in Chinese as a phrase "rob you now"])

福娃娃yiyi:佐利克。(Robert Zoellick) [Li Keqiang is known in China as a man directly reported to the US controlled World Bank.]

正义东:我只记得河南上蔡村。(I know nothing about him but Shangchai village [It is a village in Henan Province in which entire villagers contracted AIDS as the consequence of selling their blood in exchange for some cash for buying food, clothing and paying medical bills. Instead of providing help to the victims, the provincial authority prohibited the incident to be reported to Beijing and denied medical treatment and financial assistance to the poverty-stricken patients. And the head of the Provincial government at the time is no other but Li Keqiang. Therefore Li Keqiang's hands are not only full of blood of his strong competitor Bo Xilai, but tens of thousands of AIDS sufferers in China's rural areas. - Multipletext.])

风中的蒲公英云:河南艾滋病村的事呢没人说啊? (Why no Chinese media ever mentions about the AIDS villages?)

中国气派1949:新华网不经意透露出了一个重要信息,新任总理思想早已资本主义化甚至殖民化,这样的人当总理,他为谁服务?(It tells a lot about new premier's political stance and cultural preference - it is a typical slavery mentality of a conquered people. When we have this guy as premier, whose interest do you expect him to serve?) [His foreign master of course!]


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