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Chinese Comedian's Remote Interview with US President Obama - In a Parallel World

24 March 2012

In a parallel world, Chinese comedian Zhou Libo (周立波) speaks Shanghai mandarin while American President Obama has a fluent Shandong tongue - the native dialect once used by Confucius, Lao Tzu and Sun Tzu, the author of the Art of War. One day the comedian hosted a talk show and conducted a remote television interview with Obama.

Below is the interview transcript plus:

Chinese Comedian Zhou


Now I'm going to connect with US president Obama. Mr. President, thanks for coming to my show. I have a few small questions for you.

U.S. President Obama


Go ahead. I have an IQ over 130, and I can answer any questions.



Thanks. This is my first question: American government has got 12 trillion dollars of debt, and the economists keep warning us that America as a state could go bankrupt. What do you make of all this?



America goes bankrupt? What are you talking about. Who would be so bold as to make America bankrupt? Yes, America has owed some money from some people, and yes, America may not be able to repay the debt, however this is just a regional economic problem. But if America goes bankrupt, boy, that would become a global security issue.



[Speak to his audience] Phew! Sham on him. [Speak to his guest] Now talk about the security issue. You are a Nobel Peace Prize winner, and from your point of view why those guys gave the prize to you?



To my mind, any US president who does not start a war with other country is entitled to receive a Nobel Peace Prize.



The mainland China, along with Hong Kong and Taiwan, has lent America more than 800 billion dollars, and we are the biggest creditor of the United States. Yet during your most recent trip to China, you tired to borrow even more. As a Chinese citizen, I would like to ask what you are going to do with your trillion-dollar debt if you just keep borrowing?



You mean how to repay the debt? You gotta be joking. When Mr. Bush borrowed the money, he never cared how I might feel, why should I care how my successor might do? Bad luck for him.



My last question. Did you get money you asked for in your last visit to China?



Dear me, Chinese are not as easier to be fooled as they used to be. I guess I'll have to make more effort.



Thanks for taking the interview, Mr. President.


(Below is the plus part solely invented by Multipletext)



Mr. President, before you go, may I ask one question? You said you failed to persuade Chinese to lend you more money during your recent trip to China; in the meanwhile, you failed to persuade the rich 1% in the US to be less greedy and extravagant, then what are America's chances of surviving the recession?



Have you noticed my authentic Shandong accent? That's the testimony to my good knowledge of Sun Tzu's work the Art of War. Now pay attention to the words of the man of strategy: When the US leader returned without much success, the world leader was sent forth to try his luck. You follow me?



Sort of. But everybody knows this so-called world leader is the agent of the US leader, and Chinese leaders would have to be nuts to get tricked by him.



Why on earth we have to trick them? If the world leader can be my agent, what stops me from having my agents among Chinese leaders?



Who are they?



Dear, dear, what is this question asking for! You expect me to expose my valuable agents?



I take your point. And if anyone again hands over money to you in the excuse of "to save America is to save China", he must be the one.


所以嘛,我现在不借钱了,我釜底抽薪、金蝉脱壳、瞒天过海、暗渡陈仓、李代桃僵、反客为主 ...

Aha, you see, I now become smarter. Instead of asking for cash, I apply the strategies of removing the firewood from under the cooking pot, of sloughing off the cicada's golden shell, of crossing the sea under camouflage, of sneaking through a hidden passage, of faking plums as peaches, of turning the guest into the host ...



Let me try. Here is how it is: You want to push for privatisation of Chinese state assets, then encourage China's haves to take what the assets they have to America, then use that assets to purchase the rest of China at a wholesale price - in short, you want to sacrifice China's 99% to save America's 1%. But I'm sorry to inform you, Mr. President, this trick is seen through by many in China.



Oh, so what? It certainly won't keep me awake at night, because I have two extra strategies that Chinese do not know. One is to let my agents brainwash Chinese people into believe that the water in the pot is indeed too hot thus beg for the firewood to be removed.



What's this called?



It's called Cooking Frogs in Wen's Water, which means to make frogs feel they are not being cooked but just taking a hot bath.



What if these frogs are just too tough to be killed in lukewarm water no matter how long it takes?



I said I have two extra strategies, did I? If the soft attack fails to do the job, I'll let my agents keep stirring troubles in China, such as rise and rise of the petrol price, fall and fall of the national confidence, increase and increase of the gm food supply, enlarge and enlarge of the rich-poor gap, lose and lose of the cultural heritage, rot and rot of the official corruption ... and we'll keep doing it, one after another, wave upon wave, mountain over mountain, until our final victory.



What is this strategy called?



Die Hard Little Qiang.


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