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Chinese Comedian's Remote Interview with US President Obama - In a Parallel World

24 March 2012
 

In a parallel world, Chinese comedian Zhou Libo (周立波) speaks Shanghai mandarin while American President Obama has a fluent Shandong tongue - the native dialect once used by Confucius, Lao Tzu and Sun Tzu, the author of the Art of War. One day the comedian hosted a talk show and conducted a remote television interview with Obama.

Below is the interview transcript plus:

Chinese Comedian Zhou

现在我将连线美国总统奥巴马。奥总您好,很高兴和您连线。我有几个小小的问题需要您的解答。

Now I'm going to connect with US president Obama. Mr. President, thanks for coming to my show. I have a few small questions for you.

U.S. President Obama

你问吧,俺的智商130多,从来不怕回答任何问题。

Go ahead. I have an IQ over 130, and I can answer any questions.

Zhou

首先我想问一下,美国欠了全世界12万亿的债,最近经济学家不断地提醒我们要防美国破产,您对这种说法怎么看?

Thanks. This is my first question: American government has got 12 trillion dollars of debt, and the economists keep warning us that America as a state could go bankrupt. What do you make of all this?

Obama

你看你说的,美国破产。谁敢让我们美国破产?美国就是欠点债,哪怕是不还,那只是地区性的经济问题。但是美国要是破产了,那可是全球安全问题啊。

America goes bankrupt? What are you talking about. Who would be so bold as to make America bankrupt? Yes, America has owed some money from some people, and yes, America may not be able to repay the debt, however this is just a regional economic problem. But if America goes bankrupt, boy, that would become a global security issue.

Zhou

我呸!你咋那么不要脸呢?说到安全问题,您拿了诺贝尔和平奖,您觉得为什么这个将会发给您呢?

[Speak to his audience] Phew! Sham on him. [Speak to his guest] Now talk about the security issue. You are a Nobel Peace Prize winner, and from your point of view why those guys gave the prize to you?

Obama

俺认为,任何一个美国总统,他只要不对其他国家开战,他就有资格获得诺贝尔和平奖,是吧?

To my mind, any US president who does not start a war with other country is entitled to receive a Nobel Peace Prize.

Zhou

我们中国内地加香港台湾已经借给美国8000多亿了,是美国最大的债主。上次您来中国还要借。作为一个中国人,我以个人的立场问你一下,借这么多,您打算啥时候还呢?

The mainland China, along with Hong Kong and Taiwan, has lent America more than 800 billion dollars, and we are the biggest creditor of the United States. Yet during your most recent trip to China, you tired to borrow even more. As a Chinese citizen, I would like to ask what you are going to do with your trillion-dollar debt if you just keep borrowing?

Obama

还钱?你看你说的。那以前小布什借钱的时候他有没有考虑过我的感受?我干吗要考虑下一个倒霉蛋的感受,你说是吧?

You mean how to repay the debt? You gotta be joking. When Mr. Bush borrowed the money, he never cared how I might feel, why should I care how my successor might do? Bad luck for him.

Zhou

最后我想问您一个问题,您在最近一次的中国之行时借到钱了吗?

My last question. Did you get money you asked for in your last visit to China?

Obama

哎哟我的娘哎,中国人是越来越不好忽悠了。借钱尚未成功,同志仍须努力啊。

Dear me, Chinese are not as easier to be fooled as they used to be. I guess I'll have to make more effort.

Zhou

好,美国总统奥巴马,谢谢您接受采访。

Thanks for taking the interview, Mr. President.

(以下是Multipletext自主开发一手炮制的谣诼,与一周立波秀以及周立波本人无关。请任何对此桥段感到或温和或强烈愤慨的中美大佬以及打手们,不要伤及无辜,一切后果由Multipletext.com承担。)

(Below is the plus part solely invented by Multipletext)

Multipletext

总统先生,在您离开之前,我可以提个问题吗?您提到您最近一次上门借钱没有大的斩获,您又没有让你们家肥得流油的大款少贪一点的本事,那您打算怎么办呢?

Mr. President, before you go, may I ask one question? You said you failed to persuade Chinese to lend you more money during your recent trip to China; in the meanwhile, you failed to persuade the rich 1% in the US to be less greedy and extravagant, then what are America's chances of surviving the recession?

Obama

这要能难倒我,我的孙子兵法就白读了,我的山东方言也白学了。美国领导不行,世界领导出面。

Have you noticed my authentic Shandong accent? That's the testimony to my good knowledge of Sun Tzu's work the Art of War. Now pay attention to the words of the man of strategy: When the US leader returned without much success, the world leader was sent forth to try his luck. You follow me?

Multipletext

那位世界领导不就是美国领导的线人吗?中国领导能上当吗?

Sort of. But everybody knows this so-called world leader is the agent of the US leader, and Chinese leaders would have to be nuts to get tricked by him.

Obama

上当,你看你说的,世界领导可以是我的线人,中国领导中就不能有我的线人了?

Why on earth we have to trick them? If the world leader can be my agent, what stops me from having my agents among Chinese leaders?

Multipletext

都有谁?

Who are they?

Obama

这问的,我要说了他们不就暴露了吗?

Dear, dear, what is this question asking for! You expect me to expose my valuable agents?

Multipletext

不说也没关系。只要谁再以“救美国就是救中国”为借口借钱给你,天底下的人也就大致上明白了。

I take your point. And if anyone again hands over money to you in the excuse of "to save America is to save China", he must be the one.

Obama

所以嘛,我现在不借钱了,我釜底抽薪、金蝉脱壳、瞒天过海、暗渡陈仓、李代桃僵、反客为主 ...

Aha, you see, I now become smarter. Instead of asking for cash, I apply the strategies of removing the firewood from under the cooking pot, of sloughing off the cicada's golden shell, of crossing the sea under camouflage, of sneaking through a hidden passage, of faking plums as peaches, of turning the guest into the host ...

Multipletext

你是说鼓动中国人分家产,然后一面让分到钱财的中国人移民美国,一面让美国人收购中国,是这样吧?就这点兵法,早被人看破啦。

Let me try. Here is how it is: You want to push for privatisation of Chinese state assets, then encourage China's haves to take what the assets they have to America, then use that assets to purchase the rest of China at a wholesale price - in short, you want to sacrifice China's 99% to save America's 1%. But I'm sorry to inform you, Mr. President, this trick is seen through by many in China.

Obama

看破了没关系啊,我还有中国人不知道的孙子兵法第三十七计。我让我的线人为中国人洗脑,慢慢地让他们觉得釜下的薪快把他们烫死了,不抽走不行。

Oh, so what? It certainly won't keep me awake at night, because I have two extra strategies that Chinese do not know. One is to let my agents brainwash Chinese people into believe that the water in the pot is indeed too hot thus beg for the firewood to be removed.

Multipletext

这一计叫什么?

What's this called?

Obama

叫温水煮青蛙。

It's called Cooking Frogs in Wen's Water, which means to make frogs feel they are not being cooked but just taking a hot bath.

Multipletext

要是青蛙就是煮不死呢?

What if these frogs are just too tough to be killed in lukewarm water no matter how long it takes?

Obama

我还有中国人不知道的孙子兵法第三十八计。我让我的线人在中国捣乱、失败、再捣乱、再失败、再再捣乱,直至胜利。

I said I have two extra strategies, did I? If the soft attack fails to do the job, I'll let my agents keep stirring troubles in China, such as rise and rise of the petrol price, fall and fall of the national confidence, increase and increase of the gm food supply, enlarge and enlarge of the rich-poor gap, lose and lose of the cultural heritage, rot and rot of the official corruption ... and we'll keep doing it, one after another, wave upon wave, mountain over mountain, until our final victory.

Multipletext

这一计又叫什么?

What is this strategy called?

Obama

打不死的小强。

Die Hard Little Qiang.

 
 
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