In a parallel world, Chinese comedian Zhou Libo (周立波) speaks
Shanghai mandarin while American President Obama has a fluent
Shandong tongue - the native dialect once
used by Confucius, Lao
Tzu and Sun Tzu, the author of the
Art of War. One day the comedian hosted a talk show and
conducted a remote television interview with Obama.
Below is the interview transcript plus:
Chinese Comedian Zhou
Now I'm going to connect with US
president Obama. Mr. President, thanks for coming to
my show. I have a few small questions for you.
U.S. President Obama
Go ahead. I have an IQ over 130, and I can answer
Thanks. This is my first question: American government has
got 12 trillion dollars of debt, and the economists keep
warning us that America as a state could go bankrupt. What
do you make of all this?
America goes bankrupt? What are you talking about. Who would
be so bold as to make America
bankrupt? Yes, America has owed some money from some
people, and yes, America may not be able to repay the debt,
however this is just a regional economic problem. But if
America goes bankrupt, boy, that would become a global security
[Speak to his audience] Phew! Sham on him. [Speak to his
guest] Now talk about the security issue. You are a Nobel
Peace Prize winner, and from your point of view why those
guys gave the prize to you?
To my mind, any US president who does not start a war with
other country is entitled to receive a Nobel Peace Prize.
The mainland China, along with Hong Kong and Taiwan, has
lent America more than 800 billion dollars, and we are the
biggest creditor of the United States. Yet during your most
recent trip to China, you tired to borrow even more. As a
Chinese citizen, I would like to ask what you are going to
do with your trillion-dollar debt if you just keep borrowing?
You mean how to repay the debt? You gotta be joking. When
Mr. Bush borrowed the money, he never cared how I might feel,
why should I care how my successor might do? Bad luck for
My last question. Did you get money you asked for in your
last visit to China?
Dear me, Chinese are not as easier to be fooled as they
used to be. I guess I'll have to make more effort.
Thanks for taking the interview, Mr. President.
(Below is the plus part solely invented
Mr. President, before you go, may I ask one question? You
said you failed to persuade Chinese to lend you more money
during your recent trip to China; in the meanwhile, you failed
to persuade the rich 1% in the US to be less greedy and extravagant,
then what are America's chances of surviving the recession?
Have you noticed my authentic Shandong accent? That's the
testimony to my good knowledge of Sun Tzu's work the Art
of War. Now pay attention to the words of the man of strategy:
When the US leader returned without much success, the
world leader was sent forth to try his luck. You follow
Sort of. But everybody knows this so-called world leader
is the agent of the US leader, and Chinese leaders would
have to be nuts to get tricked by him.
Why on earth we have to trick them? If the world leader
can be my agent, what stops me from having my agents among
Who are they?
Dear, dear, what is this question asking for! You expect
me to expose my valuable agents?
I take your point. And if anyone again hands over money
to you in the excuse of "to save America is to save
he must be the one.
Aha, you see, I now become smarter. Instead of asking for
cash, I apply the strategies of removing the firewood from
under the cooking pot, of sloughing off the cicada's golden
shell, of crossing the sea under camouflage, of sneaking
through a hidden passage, of faking plums as peaches, of
turning the guest into the host ...
Let me try. Here is how it is: You want to push for privatisation
of Chinese state assets, then encourage China's haves
to take what the assets they have to America, then use
that assets to purchase
the rest of China at a wholesale price - in short,
you want to sacrifice China's 99% to save America's 1%.
But I'm sorry to inform you, Mr. President, this trick
is seen through by many in China.
Oh, so what? It certainly won't keep me awake at night,
because I have two extra strategies that Chinese do not know.
One is to let my agents brainwash Chinese
people into believe that the water in the pot is indeed too
hot thus beg for the firewood to be removed.
What's this called?
It's called Cooking Frogs in Wen's
Water, which means to make frogs feel they are not
being cooked but just taking a hot bath.
What if these frogs are just too tough to be killed in lukewarm
water no matter how long it takes?
I said I have two extra strategies, did I? If the soft
attack fails to do the job, I'll let my agents keep stirring
troubles in China, such as rise and rise of the petrol price,
fall and fall of the national confidence, increase and increase
of the gm food supply, enlarge and enlarge of the rich-poor
gap, lose and lose of the cultural heritage, rot and rot
of the official corruption ... and we'll keep doing it, one
after another, wave upon wave, mountain over mountain, until
our final victory.
What is this strategy called?
Die Hard Little