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Tale of an Ambassador
《史记·米大使列传》

3 March 2011
 

This is an excellent piece of classic Chinese journalism penned by 天池西 and posted on anti-cnn.com. The report is written in a traditional chronicle style adopted by Simaqian's Records of the Historian (135 BC–86 BC). If you ever consider to study classic Chinese literature, we strongly recommend you to begin with this little essay which is not only wonderfully crafted but extremely funny with the content closely related to the current events in the world:

景帝河蟹八年庚寅月丙午日,有西牛贺州免煮上国大屎洪氏跛赔者,得细作密呈,期于是日午时于未央宫东巷举事。大屎诘之三,细作曰:谋之细密,吾邦圈养带路党多载,内应外合,必可一鼓而定也。大屎遂信之不疑,必欲身先士卒,阵前鼓气也。

乃插免煮上国旌麾于肩,昂扬而出,旋回转携酱油瓶于手,以防不虞。大屎直驱东巷,离数百步而止,望巷外车马行人如故,曰:谋之细密,鸡犬未惊,大事可成也。窃喜之,急趋入巷,果见所聚者甚众,心中大定,寻隙而入,近其邦营饭馆麦当劳立定而观,乃见庭前聚有地痞七八,并各邦观察使百余,皆持长枪短炮,纸砚笔墨严阵以待。另数千之众立于阶下,作势围观。上下莫名对望,神色各异。大屎方察所聚之众未有沸扬之状,略诧之。

未几,头顶有响,众皆举目而望,有墨狸花自楼顶而降,落地未损。路人甲巧遇,拾而嗅之,其色素洁,其香馨然,喜而欲去,得天朝锦衣卫沏茶相邀,乃呼曰:内子命吾打酱油未归,恐立门而望。未听,足拖于地而去。大屎窃喜,暗使各邦观察使搡锦衣卫,欲激其反扑而致事变。锦衣卫日习荣耻八规,深得兔家腹黑之道,受搡唯呼曰:别推我呀~”,其状窘迫。

大屎一计不成,更生一计,步入人群,尚未开言,有人呼曰:大屎幸会之巧,来者何为也。大屎诧异,观此人天庭饱满,目放精光,正气凛然,始心有惴惴焉,急示酱油瓶曰:打酱油也。言毕讪笑。再问曰:来为吾邦之乱耳?大屎菊花一紧,答曰:非也。其人示大屎于众,曰:此免煮上国大屎也。乃再问之:扮猪吃虎乎?大屎无言对之,急土遁而去,三日方止,乃击额长叹曰:带路党坑爹,恐吾邦亡之未远矣。

太史公曰:国虽大,好战必亡,天下虽富,骄逸必危。艾米丽见尝携包举宇内之势而为带路党所误,不亦囧乎。

Annotation:

景帝: Emperor Peace

河蟹: Era of Harmony

八年: the eighth year of his reign, i.e. year 2011

庚寅月: Golden Tiger month, i.e. lunar 1st month, i.e. February

丙午日: Fire Horse day, i.e. 20th.

西牛贺州免煮上国: West Cowboy Empire

细作: spy

密呈: secret report

午时: noon, before 2 pm

未央宫: The Forbidden City

东巷: east street, i.e. Wangfujing Avenue

举事: uprising

诘之三: repeatedly question the spy to verify the details

谋之细密: well planned

吾邦: our country, i.e. West Cowboy Empire

圈养带路党: collaborators hired by Cowboy Empire

内应外合: people operating from within in coordination with outside forces

一鼓而定: succeed in one go

必欲身先士卒: determined to personally join the fight

阵前鼓气: boost morale of his soldiers

插免煮上国旌麾于肩: have a Cowboy Empire's flag on his arm

昂扬而出: walk out of embassy in high spirit

携酱油瓶于手: get an excuse handy for emergency use, such as "Just come to take a look" or "Just walk by with my family"

邦营饭馆麦当劳: Cowboy burger eatery trading in China

地痞七八: seven or eight hooligans

各邦观察使百余: over a hundred journalists from assorted countries

皆持长枪短炮: all carry cameras and microphones

严阵以待: wait for the riot to start

作势围观: watch the free show performed by local hooligans and foreign journalist

上下莫名对望: look at each other trying to figure out what the show is about

所聚之众未有沸扬之状: no sign of riot

墨狸花: Jasmine flower

天朝锦衣卫: Chinese police

沏茶相邀: to be questioned during tea break at police station

暗使各邦观察使搡锦衣卫: signal the foreign journalists to shove the police officers

欲激其反扑而致事变: to enrage police officers so as to create a violent confrontation

兔家腹黑之道: 卧薪尝胆、忍辱负重、韬光养晦、克己复礼……

别推我呀: Don't push me

其状窘迫: in a difficult situation as the officers have to observe restraint and discipline when facing thuggish foreign journalists

一计不成,更生一计: try another way to provoke violence

步入人群: wedge into crowd

来为吾邦之乱耳?”: "Come to China to stir trouble?"

菊花一紧,答曰:非也。”: shudder and reply, "I do not."

扮猪吃虎乎?”: "You wish to see China descend into chaos, don't you?"

无言对之: unable to reply

急土遁而去: flee the scene

三日方止: for three days make no public response to the event

带路党坑爹: Chinese collaborators dig a hole for their master to jump into

恐吾邦亡之未远矣: the days of the Cowboy Empire may be numbered

太史公曰: author's comment

国虽大,好战必亡: no matter how strong your empire is, if it is led by a bunch of warmongers, its demise is inevitable

天下虽富,骄逸必危: no matter how wealthy your country is, if you keep robbing other nations by forcing them using your currency through the tactic of stirring troubles worldwide, the bad karma will catch up with you sooner or later.

艾米丽见尝携包举宇内之势而为带路党所误: look around the world and throughout history, operations relying on collaborations with conscienceless collaborators forever end miserably

不亦囧乎: Don't you feel miserable too? Your Excellency?

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